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By The BORG
via Squiffy Edit MessageUploaded - 9 Apr 2002 17:40

The Borg

" Mr. LaForge, have you had any success w/ your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr.Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we have found the answer by searching through our archives on late 20th -century computing technology. We've discovered a weapon called Microsoft."

"What the hell is 'Microsoft' ?"

"Allow me to explain. Wewill send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

" But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each interation. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over & none will be available for their normal operational functions."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape'idea."

15 Minutes Later

"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit & as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however havenot received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage & CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again & determine if there is something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure of the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

"Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F..."

"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% ! "

"Data, what do your scanners show?"

"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' & it has used up all their CPU capacity."

"Let's wait & see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

Two Hours Pass....

"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU & storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS"

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches & released thousands ofhumanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

"Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?"

"I can't believe that those are humans sir, if you look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by 21st -century man as doe skin leather briefcases, & wearing Armani suits."

"Lawyers!!"

"It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up & sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but apparently some must have survived."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship & are covering it with all types of papers."

"I believe that it is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' ; it often proves fatal."

"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!!"

"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

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